Robert St. John’s column about sandwiches in which he happens to mention he is going on a diet reminds me that I too have determined to diet. It also reminds me that I want a sandwich. Probably egg salad for the protein because diets are hard work.
Last week I went to lunch with a friend. Sorry, Robert, it wasn’t at your restaurant.
I was very careful to order something that would qualify as diet fare. I had an asparagus roll and an avocado roll at the Sake Cafe. Hold the tempura. Hold the sake.
By my estimation, that’s about the same number of calories as a can of SlimFast, and infinitely more enjoyable. I was proud to call this lunch, and I made a clear statement of intention to anyone who would listen. I am going on a diet, I said. I did not say “I’m considering” or “I think I ought to.” Oh yes, it was emphatic. Definitely. This is it. Today. No more procrastinating over Ben and Jerry’s. I’m on a diet.
I left that lunch and went to a meeting. There was a cookie tray involved. I had already swallowed a whole brownie by the time I remembered I was on a diet. I was hungry, you see, because no one ever accused a piece of asparagus sushi of sticking to the ribs.
I also felt like a failure. Because that’s what people on diets do. It’s their job. The next most logical human emotion after uttering the sentence “I am on a diet” is a sense of failure.
I felt like enough of a failure that I decided I wasn’t really on a diet after all. Clearly, I wasn’t ready if I could forget within 20 minutes that I was absolutely starting the diet that very day.
I’m a busy person, though. Even when I’m not so busy I make up stuff to be busy over, and thus I rarely think about what I’m eating. I just eat whatever is handiest. Can I help it if that’s a bag of Fritos?
Dieting is an ugly word. Dieting makes people feel bad about themselves. Maybe it does set up daily attainable goals, but it also sets up daily opportunities to fail.
I hate diets. I feel like I would be better off to retrain my relationship to food. To just be more mindful of what I’m eating. To put more concentration on healthful eating rather than on counting calories.
I also feel like it would be nice to win the lottery and pay someone to think about what I’m eating for me.
Ugly or not, diet, here I come. Here I meander reluctantly toward you. You are not my friend, but it’s time for us to put some work into peace negotiations. Somehow we’ve got to find a way to get along.
And, by the way, I hope you’re okay with Blue Plate mayo in that egg salad because I just don’t see any other way to eat it.
Try weight watchers. You can follow the program all online (no meetings), and it is not a diet. It helps you re-train the way you eat.
I have lost ~30 pounds (since Sept.). It was slow, but I have kept off the weight.
Yes. Diets are evil. WW is not a diet. 🙂
Thanks. I’ll look into it. I started using caloriecount.about.com. It’s not a diet plan, but it does give a nutrition analysis of your foods if you enter in what you’ve eaten on any given day. At least I’ll pay more attention if I don’t do anything more than use an online calorie tracker.
Screw plans. Try doing a whole bunch of fresh asparagus on the grill. It’s orgasmic! It’s all about portion control, not letting a bunch of fat chicks tell you what they did to lose 2.8 pounds. My plan? Drink every night and eat as little as possible. I’ve lost about 20 pounds. And I look great, and I had a date this past weekend that went great! No plan, no fees, no paying other fatties to tell me how to get skinnier than they are, magically. I’m serious, and I have a lot of fun along the way.
Um…Jeff…inappropriate social interaction there. We can do without “fat chick” remarks. And I don’t believe I’ll find the alcohol diet on WebMD. I think maybe I’ll try WW after all.
Besides, you told me you were quitting. 😉